it's strange. i don't really miss anyone. when they ask me how new york is or, "i miss you! how is it?" i just go "great. it's all good in the hood."
and i guess that's how i feel.
(except for my parents of course; i miss them tons; as well as just the feeling of being at home)

i have no words to describe new york. so far, it has completely exceeded my expectations. God is so good; when you listen to His calling for you and obey Him. I love it. although our main work (teaching sunday school; public speaking: one of my worst fears i hope to improve on) hasn't started yet (we'll be working 5 days a week, morning to night; doing sunday school performances and then visitations), i'm having so much fun just having nail polish parties with my fellow interns and laughing and just enjoying new york.
they were SO thrilled when they found that i spoke mandarin chinese. on the way from the airport, they heard me speaking to grace and literally screamed with delight. apparently they're starting some new sunday school sites in chinatown and really are in need of a translator, as no one in the ministry is actually chinese. i prayed SO much about this; it was definitely a struggle to know that while other people might go to places like Harlem and the Bronx (my first choices), i had to go serve chinese kids. AGAIN.
but then i realized that it was my first test from God, testing me regarding my ability to submit to authority. i know that is a MAJOR, MAJOR problem for me. so i got down on my knees and just prayed for humility and ability to just take whatever they give me and run with it.
and the crazy thing is, God not ONLY gave me peace with it and even a sense of gratefulness that i can serve the ministry in such a unique way, He inflammed my heart with a passion for the upcoming generation of Chinese children; both in America and mainland China. i literally walked around on the verge of tears for hours because God put it so strongly on my heart. we'll have to see where that goes.
but overall, i have to say it. i know it's cliche, but: I LOVE NEW YORK

I am such a lazy blogger. Most of the time I don't even capitalize. I guess it's because I rant and verbally express my opinion in real life, so I simply run out of steam by the time I get in front of a computer. It's both a blessing and a curse.
I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe it. I have a storm of emotions going through me; the major one being fear. I don't know what's waiting for me in New York at all! When people ask me what I'm doing, I literally freeze up and say, "um, a children's...ministry...Christian thing." I realized it's because I don't even really know what's going down! But I'm praying that it's going to be good.
Time to back up all my big talk with some action!
New York, here I come!

ughh what am i supposed to do

what if i never get to where i want to be

this morning i woke up and just felt so damn lonely. i go out all the time; come home at 12 smiling and voice hoarse from shouting and talking and having fun. but when i think about how some of my friendships have fallen apart, i can't stand it.
a year ago this time, i was still in high school doing homework and having to wake up early; having to deal with teachers and assignments. but i had best friends, and because i had them i knew everything would be okay.
now, after 3 months of fun and sun, i don't feel that same security. i don't know if everything is going to be okay.
i just want my best friends back.
and the worst part is that i know is was mostly my fault things went bad.

frank sinatra's smile gets me every time. when i see the video for "too marvelous for words", i hope that i find a guy who smiles exactly like him. a genuine, confident, almost reckless smile.

sayings i live by; exist by:

"have your cake and eat it too".

"everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end."

problems of the priveleged. i gots 'em.
such as, i cut my hair short (it was such a huge step) and it looked great when the lady straightened it and put all this product on it after, but on the 2nd day, after i took a shower? it ain't lookin' as hot. sigh sigh.
working for my dad three days a week; means i can't play at UCLA because those darn nerds take tests on thursdays and fridays and the days i work are monday tuesday and wednesday :(
somehow don't have time to go to the gym, which i feel is a huge waste of my money! and i got fat on missions.
but anyway
life is
pretty
darn
good

i hate hate hate my insecurities. even after i try to logically reason them out; soothe them; simply slip into oblivion to forget them; why do they never go away
Jesus, i need You to help me
'cos i don't have enough strength on my own.

i think happy people are so boring.

politics?!
sigh mark sanford
bringing shame to republicans everywhere
an arena of disappointment
but i still want to enter it someday
i want my world to lie beyond beach hangouts

i think you're angry at me because i have the opportunities that you don't.
i have my dreams too, and the determination to see them come true.
it's not like i voluntarily ask others to inquire about my future plans; they just do.
it's not my fault.

just some random thoughts
in life
it's not the thought that counts
maybe you have the thought, but that doesn't count for anything
it doesn't give you any credibility
until you actually do it.

oh my goodness. i have hardly ever experienced revelations of such epic proportions. God, you are SO good.

they say that college is freedom. for the first time in your life, there's no mom that comes creeping around telling you to get off oovoo, no dad around to monitor your snacking, no curfews, no rules. you can basically do whatever you want, whenever you want.

but what is true freedom? it is only found in Jesus Christ. no longer being a slave to your sins; your insecurities; the chains that have dragged you down for so long you feel like you don't have the strength left to fight. being free of the crushing weight of others' opinions and expectations because your identity is found in Him. not comparing yourself to others, because in His eyes you are unique and infinitely precious. being released into forgiveness when you stumble. knowing that you are weak; but that it is not your strength that can help you keep on going, it is His strength alone.

oh man. that's a freedom far greater than the ones you'll be faced with in college.

help me, Jesus. I can't do it, but you can.

what am i going to do

i realized that i thrive on new experiences.
new places
new people
new cultures
i think they bring out a side of me that i love; a side that doesn't come out in diamond bar
but that side is still me
isn't it?

sigh another rant in the life of a teenager

my life is really shitty right now, not going to lie.
though it has been filled with playing and hanging out and all that stuff
my trip to europe has pretty much gone down the tubes
my relationship with my best friends is shit; probably about to get worse
add my mom to that too
i just want to fast forward to september already

song of the summer is definitely queen: don't stop me now

I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
Im a racing car passing by like lady godiva
Im gonna go go go
Theres no stopping me

it just gives me a "yayyyy" feeling.
past week has just been playing playing playing.

i can't believe this happened again.

i'm an idiot, but so are you.

graduation

sigh. it was a great day. just sweet; not even bittersweet.
the ceremony started out SO badly because i snuck my phone in and called my dad; he said that he and my mom and sister were probably going to miss seeing me graduate because they had to take my two grandpas home bc their legs were hurting and they couldn't sit through a 2 hour graduation
i wanted to cry
and then i didn't see any church peoples in the stands. i thought there was no one there to see me graduate!
and then after the ceremony..dang! so fun! just rushing around taking pictures with people; turns out a lot of people came to support me :) thanks for the sign hanners and the flowers grace and christina!
dinner at coconut bay: funnnn; although kind of spoiled by the presence of two other grads who thought they could just show up when they didn't even lift a finger to help me or julie plan it
bob's afterwards...it was alright.

basically, the running joke of the night was "dang stephanie, where are you going to college again? oh waittt....you're not going!!"
they literally kept the joke up for HOURS. EVERY time i tried to say something mean to them: "oh wait, but i went do college, didn't i? where are YOU going to college? oh wait..."
haha. it made me realize that i really am alone on this path!
i'm kind of scared, but so grateful for the opportunity
i'm going to make the most of it!

WHAT CAN I EVEN SAY
longer post later, i'm tired now
but let's just say
high school was good. i'll miss it a lot just because its familiar.
but
i can't say i don't have any regrets (I HAVE TOO MANY)
and
i think i can do better.
to life beyond high school..

i believe that an essential part of becoming a comptent, well-adjusted human being is the ability to process one's experiences and what one learned from them. after all, if you can't learn from the past, isn't that time essentially wasted? you have nothing to show for it, physically or intellectually.

so i decided to interview some peers of mine on this last week of school and see what they learned from these past 4 years.

What have you learned from being in Diamond Bar High these past few years?

Leanne Fan: Diamond Bar is like America; it's imperfect, but you know that it's where you come from. You are proud of where you come from. As much as I don't like it, when people ask me where I come from, I say Diamond Bar. I realized that Diamond Bar has made me who I am; molded my passions.

Eliza Pan: To get what you want, you have to put up with a lot of crap.
It's true, I wouldn't be who I am if not for Diamond Bar. But then we're not as special as we think we are. There are people out there just like me, just like you. Wouldn't we be the same if we grew up anywhere else?
I guess it doesn't really matter because there are so many people who are better than me, worse than me, and most of all, the same as me. There is an overall picture of Eliza Pan somewhere else; maybe not the minute details, but the same overall person.

Yufeng Luo: I don't know. It was fun. What is there to learn, except literally?

Reshma Patel: I learned that people surprise you, and not in a good way. But then again, people have the ability and possibility to astound you. You think you know how a person is going to react to something; but then they just pull out something totally different. I learned how to deal with people; I think I've gotten better at that.

Pia Kochhar: Diamond Bar is what it is. Over the past four years, I have finally learned to accept things for what they are. All the things I hated about Diamond Bar were the things that made me think and become the person I am and want to become, at least for now. All the things I hated about Diamond Bar are now things that make me nostalgic. Diamond Bar will forever be my hometown, as lame as it sounds.

More to come...hopefully!

i think i'm going to create a new blog for my adventures in summer and my adventures in new york and kansas city. after all, new start= new blog=new start!

first steps:
1. not being a lazybutt when uploading pictures
2. actually taking pictures
3. being better at describing what goes on in my life instead of some stupid pithy one word summary
4. having a more exciting life to write about

hmm..now for a new name...

ALMOST THE END
OMFG

hmm hmmm hmmm
i feel so unsatisfied
for food?
for adventure?
for <3?
i have no idea.

I just went online and printed out three coupons for a free KFC Meal!
Three!
I'm so happy right now.

whoopee!

so today i officially got accepted into the metro ministries fall 2009 internship! i am definitely excited and more than a little relieved. metro ministries is basically an urban youth ministry located in bushwick, brooklyn. they run "sidewalk sunday schools" almost every day of thje week in an attempt to reach out to the community and preach the gospel. praise God!

but i found another opportunity to go to china for three months...hmmm....

i feel like i'm never satisfied! i always need adventure!

but i feel like i've gone such a long way to even be considering china as a possible destination in my future. for a long time, i hated being asian. when i first came to diamond bar, everything disgusted me: cue, fobs, the way everyone was totally ignorant regarding world/political events, the stupid chinese restaurants that my parents dragged me to (btw, i still loathe chinese food: i hate ' new capital'!)

but then i realized that they were just representations of the selfish, material culture that characterizes asians in diamond bar, or perhaps just diamond bar kids in general.

i recently read an article that talked about the duties of asian americans to their home countries, particularly in regards to chinese americans and china. the first missionaries in china were white. even today, many of the people serving there are of a different race: many koreans have recently started ministering there.

i feel drawn to china because in a way, i feel like that it is my "cultural duty", my "cultural calling." i may travel to any country in the world; all the places that i want to go: romania, poland, rwanda, uganda, bolivia, brazil: and do ministry. and it will be life-changing, sure. and in the same vein, a white person can go to china to do ministry and change lives also. but there is no question that i, as a chinese american, have a huge advantage over someone of a different race if i do decide to serve in china.

first of all, i speak the language.

second of all, i know the culture. though i grew up around white people in my school district, through church i developed a keen sense for the way asians think and the unique way eastern values shape their approach to Christianity and even their responses to the gospel message. i would go so far as to say that it isn't something that can be learned, from an outsider's perspective. it's something you have to be born into.

third of all, my looks. though the sight of a foreigner may be attention-grabbing at first, there is no doubt that, at least in china, chinese people trust other chinese people infinitely more. even if they're american born and raised, as i am.

will my road eventually lead me to china? i hope so! and for that, i thank diamond bar. though it hasn't been a perfect four years, it has taught me to appreciate and most importantly, value my culture as both something beautiful in itself and an effective advantage for spreading the gospel to the largest population on earth.

LOLL PROM DRAMA
OH THE PROM DRAMA
just when i said that i wouldn't get mired in petty high school squabbles, here i am.
hey, i'm 18, don't expect me not to have conflicting ideologies.
sighhh
don't know what to do.

GAWSHH the economy sucks. i'm paying 38,000 if i want to go to u of washington?

good job obama! 61% approval rating my butt. you suck. nice job getting us out of the recession! yes we can? more like no you can't!

(what? obama's not to blame for the recession? but isn't EVERYTHING that happens in a country the president's direct fault? i mean, look at the past 8 years!)

so suck it, obama.

excitinggg

so today i found out that i got into the university of washington. i msut admit that i was surprised when i was waitlisted there. when i stared at the "congratulations!" letter and the beautiful ivy-league esque campus, i realized something.

i am so happy with the path that i chose.
i wouldn't have it any other way.
i found a organization today online offering volunteer trips to almost every continent. i'm looking at india, uganda, panama, nepal, everywhere! i want to see everything.
sometimes, when i see a photograph in a travel magazine or on a website, i feel almost a physical pain because i want to be there so badly. experience the culture. touch lives and in turn be changed by others.
i know this is what i'm meant to do.
and this week i finalized what missions trip i'm going on this summer: hungary, summer 2009!
gosh, its times like this i am reminded of how good God is.

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

(love les miserables; and susan boyle's version of 'i dreamed a dream': what a shocker!)

every day i have a new dream. in psych we learned that when making difficult decisions, we should set aside one day in which we pretend that we have decided on a certain choice. how does it feel? then, the next day, pretend that we've decided on another choice.

so today, i am a speechwriter. specifically, someone like obama's chief speechwriter jon favreau. a mere 26 years of age, he was the force behind many obama's poetic speeches and led to the clinton campaign's snarky attack "you campaign in poetry but you govern in prose".
i'll graduate from a small liberal arts college (favreau graduated from the College of the Holy Cross: yeah, i haven't heard of it either)
i'll quickly work my way up the ranks of washington, jumping from campaign to campaign.
i get to help inspire a nation, behind the scenes.
i get to play with words all day.
i get to appeal to the heart and soul of america; help direct international relations.
damn. that's a good life.

GAWDDD IT IS SO HOT IN THIS DANG TOWN
I FEEL SO LETHARGIC
I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING
GRRRR

AHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMMMITTT

sometimes, i feel like i can rise above all these high school worries. i mean, if you think about it rationally, it's all so insignificant. carpe diem. seize the day. i have a life to live and a world to conquer; high school will become a speck in the timeline of my life. there is an entire universe out there waiting for me. victory.

and then all of a sudden (thanks popo)

EFFFFFFFFF PROMMMMMMMMM
WHAT THE EFFF AM I GONNA DO ABOUT PROM
SHIATTTTT
WORRIED

sighhh.

dead poets society

i'm eating chicken noodle soup and i'm about to watch 'the dead poets society'.
after that, i'll be back to share my thoughts on the role of the Asian American Christian! mm mm food for thought
(p.s. i put up different pictures on my blog, pia and eliza. i realized that i need to not be hypocritical!)
i think people in diamond bar could learn so much from dead poets. what does the study of things like poetry have to do with being a doctor, or a lawyer, or a banker? nothing. it's about being part of the human race.

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time
GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And the same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

LIVE. JUST LIVE! don't treat college like a degree factory. but don't get mired in all that "liberal arts" bullshit either. people who call themselves "liberals" aren't nearly as open-minded as they think. in fact, i would dare say that they're even more narrow-minded than conservatives. they call anyone who differs from them "bigots"; "haters"
somtimes, i feel like i'm going insane.
i enjoy talking to people who are able to listen to my thoughts and respect them while keeping theirs steadfast.


"you look as stirred up as a cesspool"

dammit.

was talking to someone about relationships:
he's thinking of ending his.
this is what i said
we do what we want.
i do what i want.
you should do what you want.
i know it sounds immature.
but hey, i'm young.

dear fox,
why would you do such a thing?
why would you break my heart?

r.i.p kutner. you will be missed.
watching tv deaths really puts me into this strange, contemplative emo funk!

i went to MEXICO today! with gen's mom, gen and tiffany! holy sheeesh. it was fun! i seriously love experiencing and being in an unfamiliar culture. it makes me so happy; it keeps me aware and alert and on my toes!
we literally went to mexico by accident; we were going to this outlet mall right by the border (literally right by the border; you can see the fence!) but gen's mom missed the last usa exit! hahah! so we just went in for a few hours and bought THE BEST TACOS EVER; horchata, BEST CHURROS EVER; BEST POTATO CHIPS EVER; and bargained for bags. then we had to beg the border patrol guy to let us back in because i was the only one who had my passport!

we went to ucsd admit day: boring!
here's my deliberation:
good- the cliffs overlooking the ocean (so gorgeous); cute guys at muir college; good greek food yum yum
bad- campus too big; WARREN IS LIKE NERD CENTRAL (all the engineering buildings are there); rest of guys in other colleges are not fine at all
but honestly, i do like it better than ucsb.
well, i'm not going there, so whatever.

today i ate so much food too!
here's what i ate:
1) gyros and feta fries at muir
2) churros (thanks tiff!)
3) crispy handmade potato chips (thanks tiff!)
4) mango carne asada taco
5) chips and pico de gallo
6) tortilla soup
7) horchata
8) ice cream

and so much much more!

lastly: i'm confused as to what you don't understand.

night!

life! it's so strange.
so much has happened in this last week.
i'm going where i want to go, even if its not the conventional way.
damn, i'm happy.

g-g-g-g-ap year! i'm pret-ty excited. i'm so thrilled that so many people have been supportive regarding my choice.
metro ministries+ IHOP=good year; NOT wasted!
i hate these artsy fartsy people one so often finds in diamond bar (and LA in general i guess). these wanna be hipsters with their whining:

oh my gosh i wish polaroid film was still being made b/c poladroid is for posers
let me take a picture of a hand holding a red balloon and call it art
i want to get out of diamond bar blah di blah even though i will probably not survive outside of the bubble i so despise
listen to this cool music that no one has ever heard of and sounds like dying elephants
did i mention how sad i was that polaroid film isn't being made
look at this youtube clip of this sucky indie movie
woohoo look at my "superdeep" post of how i want to stop conforming to society and make a difference
woohoo look at these boring pictures of this new and upcoming designer...oh la la marc jacobs

i really hate diamond bar these days. can't you tell? garshhh. well, i'm excited about spending what time i have left with my friends, i guess.

i'm excited for ucsd admit day. i don't know why.



happy post later. remind me.

i pride myself on never cussing. to most people, i'm known as the good little girl. (well, except with tgs). whenever people cuss, i slap at them and in a whiny voice go, "stop itttttttt!" or "i'm going to wash your mouth out with soap". of course, this never stops them. in fact, it makes them cuss more. but anyways, the point is, i pride myself on never cussing. but in this case, let me tell you, i must make an exception.
because i gotta say:

fuck you colleges.

fuck you for not looking beyond my gpa!

fuck you for lying about your "holistic approach" to admissions. holistic my ass! then why do all the boring kids with 4.0s get in?

fuck you for not realizing that people make mistakes, but aren't defined by them! in fact, it should show that they can change and work hard for what they want!

fuck you for not accepting my friends, who are way more qualified than the dipshits that you let in. i hope you're happy when they succeed in life and all the dumbasses you graduate still live at home! (true fact: obama got rejected from ucla.)

fuck you for lowering my self-esteem to the point where i feel like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

fuck you for sending out pathetic rejection letters like, "we are sure you will succeed in life..." ..shut the fuck up! just say you don't want me!

and finally:
fuck you for being so fucking stupid.

whew. that felt good.
okay. back to not cussing anymore :)
thanks to all my friends who comforted me <3>

skipped school (so r-e-b-e-l, i knowww) and went to santa barbara today with christina, grace, and sherry! i love my older former-OIC seeesterssss. we went to a cute danish village and then visited ucsb! it's a nice campus right by the beach. i wouldn't say that its ucsd status yet though!

i was seriously convinced about going to ucsb. why? let me show you:

two words: BEACH. CRUISERS. these are truly the cutest bikes in the world. there were racks of them at ucsb: beautiful bold colors; teal green, sea green, sky blue, cherry red, pink, bright yellow...deliciousss!

i imagine myself in high waisted shorts, flowy shirt, sunglasses and flipflops; biking to the beach with wind in my hair.

...

and that's when i remember that i applied as a political science major.

but as of right now, the only reason i want to go to ucsb is because of the bikes.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i applied to some different schools.
i wish i could present myself as a different applicant.
i wish i could not cry about college decisions.
if i could turn back time, i would do it in a heartbeat.
rejection hurts.
but it hurts more because i know it was my doing.

sometimes, i just can't wait to fall in love.

you will...catch spiders <3

oh, college college collegessss. how you have humbled me and broken me down. i guess i thought i was invincible. now nothing, i repeat nothing, is sure.
next year, this time i could be
-chilling on the beach at ucsd as a international studies major
-playing ultimate frisbee on the lawns of william and mary/uva/whatever east coast school (althought that chance is honestly diminshing with every day)
-at kansas city hangin' out with God on the Onething internship
-working in brooklyn, newyork as a metro minstries intern
oh gosh. lately, i have been going through these intense mood swings. one minute i feel that the world is within my grasp; that the next morning the sun will rise and happiness will come. college can wait. the world can wait. my personal dreams and desires cannot; and so what if it takes a little time before I see the gates of an institution of education once more?
and there are times when i feel chilled to the bone; i surf college websites for hours upon hours; i wince at the clanging of my empty mailbox. i feel like i don't have the strength to be different.
a few more weeks. then we'll see.

i'm going to take a watermelon, write every college that rejected me on it, and then drop it off a roof.
thanks david.
something to look forward to.
i just read someone's blog.
it surprised me and shocked me.
i love it when i discover that people have hidden depth that only comes out through typed/written words. or maybe its not hidden. maybe i just don't see it.
i feel bad for judging you! it's one of my faults.
sorry for not helping you when i could have. but i think now its too late.
i liked this person's blog because it was INTENSELY private content, but yet they made it public anyway. i mean, who cares what people see and read and think? that's real courage.
they wrote a lot about a relationship they had.
i'm really tired of writing little trite sentences. i write these for two reasons: i don't want to reveal all, and i somehow think brevity=deep; profound. not true. that's why east of eden was a billion pages long. and why there were 3 volumes of lord of the rings.
so basically, i'm going to write about how i feel about a relationship i just ended.
i'm not good at poetry, but i am good at ranting.

mad: i really am not kidding when i say this whole thing is stupid. it really is. you were one of my best friends. i'm mad that you took that away from me.

annoyed: your stubborness is annoying. i feel like you enjoy playing the martyr. and thanks for defriending me on facebook. was that really necessary?
now i know its reallllllllly over. (that was a healthy dose of sarcasm and spite)

sad: did i mention that you were one of my best friends? sometimes i find myself wanting to tell you about something that happened, something that i need advice on or is just really cool and i want to share and have you smile at me. and then i realize that you're not there anymore. i wish i knew where you were going to college.

bitter: at this point, i hope you never get over me. (i always was a bitter girl, you said so yourself)

humor: NONE. i don't see why you find this all so funny. its really not. ( i should file this under annoyed too.)

embarrassed: i know it was mostly my fault.

whatever. i've gone on with my life and so have you.
but just you wait.
we will talk before the end of the year.

FML. everyone has been saying that these days. it's not true, of course.
that doesn't mean i haven't been saying it like crazyyy these past few days.
i was going to post something uber deep and philosophical. like david asked me why my blogspot id name was thethousandth girl. i was just going to post up this nice little poem by kipling:

One man in a thousand,
Solomon says,
Will stick more close than a brother.
And it's worth while seeking him half your days
If you find him before the other.
Nine nundred and ninety-nine depend
On what the world sees in you,
But the Thousandth man will stand your friend
With the whole round world agin you.

Now that i think of it, I <3 my friends. Thanks TGS for being my thousandth girls. i hope i'm the thousandth girl for you guys too.

okay but back to my rant.
I AM SO TENSE. SERIOUSLY. FML
STUPID IRVINE. JUST GET BACK TO ME. I DON'T CARE IF I DON'T GET IN, JUST EFFING TELL ME, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS. I HATE ROLLING ADMISSIONS.

NYU, EFF YOU ALSO. WHY DO YOU SEND OUT STUPID LITTLE POSTCARDS THAT INVITE PEOPLE TO EVENTS FOR ADMITTED STUDENTS WHEN YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND THEM THE OFFICIAL LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE? AND THEN SAY THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO GET AN INVITE IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED? WHAT THE HELL. I SWEAR YOU DO THIS TO SCREW WITH MY HEAD! AND WHY DON'T YOU TELLS HOW ADMISSIONS ARE SENT OUT? ROLLING? RANDOM? BY COLLEGE? MAJOR? EFF YOU!

UNC CHAPEL HILL, EFF YOU THE MOST! GOSH! I'M GOING TO AN EFFING DISGRACE IN FRONT OF MY COUSINS NOW! THANKS A LOT!

ALL MY OTHER COLLEGES: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? FOR JESUS TO COME?

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When you're only 18
And you've got nothing to lose
And you're living a dream
With sand in your shoes
Falling in love is easy
It's easy to do

i'm sitting here at my computer, watching my cute caramel cat slumbering peacefully on my bed.
his greatest talent seems to be sleeping. all the comfortable nooks in our house bear prints of his fat body.
my dad always loudly reprimands danny (my cat) when he sees him curled up and snoozing.
but today i realized that sometimes it is good to have a "cat day".
i have this deep aversion to vegetating at home. even when i'm exhausted, i'll never turn down someone's invite to go out to coffee or go to an event.
i purposely like to fill up my schedule to the brim. i suppose its to combat my insecurities about myself and the type of person i am.
but not too long ago, someone taught me the simple joy of just sitting on your bed and reading reading reading. or thinking thinking thinking. don't force yourself to do things. thanks for that. you may have not even known you taught me this, since you led by example.
so today was my first "cat day" in a while. i woke up, ate some cereal and french fries, read half of "Return of the King" under my fluffy covers, played Gofish with my sister, played Neopets with my sister (haha!) and then snuggled under the covers some more while watching the last 2 episodes of House. my cat accompanied me through all these activities, ensconced between my sheets. now my mom is coming home and we're going to all go out to dinner.
it's been a good day. a lazy, enjoyable day of sitting around and being still, ignoring the world that spins furiously outside.
it's been a good day.

i miss you, jerk.
that's all.

so i was looking at this video of kevjumba, this asian youtube comedian who's about my age.
i think i just had my first asian boycrush <3
but anyways, he mentioned that he went to william p. clement high school (in texas) so i looked it up on wikipedia.
at the bottom, there is a list of notable alumni.

Notable alumni:

Timothy Acklen - Convicted murderer[17][18][19]
Matt Albers - Major League Baseball pitcher, Baltimore Orioles.
Brandon Elledge - Murder victim[20][21][22]
James Garcia - Convicted murderer[23][24][25]
Ashton Glover - Murder victim[26][27][28]
Matthew McCombs - Convicted murderer[29][30][31]
Ryan Pontbriand - National Football League Long Snapper, Named to The 2008 Pro Bowl Cleveland Browns
Jon Schillaci - FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitive,[32], award winning poet[33]
Kevin Wu aka Kevjumba - Youtube Comedy Star - 2006 to Present

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA notable alumni indeed. we should all model our school after william p. clement high school. it's pretty obvious they're doing things right over there.

on saturday night, starting at approximately 11:30 pm, i started my goal to rewatch the entire lord of the rings trilogy by the end of this week.
i'm currently in the middle of two towers.
sigh.
middle earth is so magical.
in a way, things would be so much simpler there!
i wish i could be there right now.
return of the king soon!
the scene with the lighting of the watchtowers=so epic!
i love lord of the rings.
bye!

ring of fire

i don't even know what to say.
but first of all, i want to say thank you.
i want you to know that.
thank you for teaching me more than any of my teachers at school have ever deigned to
thank you for being there for me, even when i wasn't there for you
thank you for making me laugh
thank you for even trying to understand who i am
and these all are reasons why i can't let go.
i can't be as subtle as you; word it as beautifully and tragically as you.
it truly hurts me that you would just rip me out of your life.
i understand your reasons behind it, but it doesn't give me an ounce of comfort.
how could this even happen?
i'm stunned.
but even now, (and i almost despise you for it) i'm learning:
to not force things. it either happens, or it doesn't.
be sure.
and the most important lesson: that you don't always get what you want; things don't always end the way you wish them to. i'm not talking about fairy-tale fantasies and dreams of castles; the reality of that hit me when i was about ten.
i'm talking about sleeping in the bed that you make. you can't have your cake and eat it too. underneath these sayings, the point is this: sometimes you just have to hurt. hurt so badly you can't breathe, even more so because you know that you could have prevented it; somehow.
this lesson is killing me.

can you feel like the meanest human being ever
and still feel like a huge weight just came off your shoulders
at
the
same
time

i miss bangladesh. when i first came home, i was astounded at the quietness of sucktown, california. where were the sounds of millions of people going about their business at 2 am? (people in bangaldesh sleep really late and get up at 9 or 10) why were the streets empty? why wasn't my food fluorescent yellow with the power to stain any kind of fabric beyond repair? why didn't people constantly ask me questions about american in the most adorable broken english? why wasn't i there, continuing to learn and laugh and sing?

oh bangladesh!

i cried myself to sleep that night.

uganda 2009 maybe?

underground churches in china 2009 maybe?

nepal 2009 maybe?

summer.

wow.
i wish i were deep.
dammit.
i don't have deep deep thoughts anymore.
or, at least i don't type them out.
i tell them to God
and by the time i get to my keyboard they've all left my brain like sand pouring out of a bottle.
twain
donne
knowledge of the holy

edit/
uhh je suis matt (11:19:02 PM): twaindonneknowledge of the holyPosted by the thousandth
uhh je suis matt (11:19:05 PM): are you kidding me
uhh je suis matt (11:19:05 PM): LOL
CSMSkitty (11:23:29 PM): WHAT
CSMSkitty (11:23:32 PM): ARE YOU MOCKING ME?
CSMSkitty (11:23:33 PM): :(
uhh je suis matt (11:23:39 PM): no
uhh je suis matt (11:23:44 PM): but you are obsessed with
uhh je suis matt (11:23:45 PM): english
uhh je suis matt (11:23:47 PM): and i hate it
uhh je suis matt (11:23:48 PM): hahah

haterz=make me sad and emo.
i need to read more now.