ughh what am i supposed to do

what if i never get to where i want to be

this morning i woke up and just felt so damn lonely. i go out all the time; come home at 12 smiling and voice hoarse from shouting and talking and having fun. but when i think about how some of my friendships have fallen apart, i can't stand it.
a year ago this time, i was still in high school doing homework and having to wake up early; having to deal with teachers and assignments. but i had best friends, and because i had them i knew everything would be okay.
now, after 3 months of fun and sun, i don't feel that same security. i don't know if everything is going to be okay.
i just want my best friends back.
and the worst part is that i know is was mostly my fault things went bad.

frank sinatra's smile gets me every time. when i see the video for "too marvelous for words", i hope that i find a guy who smiles exactly like him. a genuine, confident, almost reckless smile.

sayings i live by; exist by:

"have your cake and eat it too".

"everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end."

problems of the priveleged. i gots 'em.
such as, i cut my hair short (it was such a huge step) and it looked great when the lady straightened it and put all this product on it after, but on the 2nd day, after i took a shower? it ain't lookin' as hot. sigh sigh.
working for my dad three days a week; means i can't play at UCLA because those darn nerds take tests on thursdays and fridays and the days i work are monday tuesday and wednesday :(
somehow don't have time to go to the gym, which i feel is a huge waste of my money! and i got fat on missions.
but anyway
life is
pretty
darn
good

i hate hate hate my insecurities. even after i try to logically reason them out; soothe them; simply slip into oblivion to forget them; why do they never go away
Jesus, i need You to help me
'cos i don't have enough strength on my own.