i pride myself on never cussing. to most people, i'm known as the good little girl. (well, except with tgs). whenever people cuss, i slap at them and in a whiny voice go, "stop itttttttt!" or "i'm going to wash your mouth out with soap". of course, this never stops them. in fact, it makes them cuss more. but anyways, the point is, i pride myself on never cussing. but in this case, let me tell you, i must make an exception.
because i gotta say:

fuck you colleges.

fuck you for not looking beyond my gpa!

fuck you for lying about your "holistic approach" to admissions. holistic my ass! then why do all the boring kids with 4.0s get in?

fuck you for not realizing that people make mistakes, but aren't defined by them! in fact, it should show that they can change and work hard for what they want!

fuck you for not accepting my friends, who are way more qualified than the dipshits that you let in. i hope you're happy when they succeed in life and all the dumbasses you graduate still live at home! (true fact: obama got rejected from ucla.)

fuck you for lowering my self-esteem to the point where i feel like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

fuck you for sending out pathetic rejection letters like, "we are sure you will succeed in life..." ..shut the fuck up! just say you don't want me!

and finally:
fuck you for being so fucking stupid.

whew. that felt good.
okay. back to not cussing anymore :)
thanks to all my friends who comforted me <3>

skipped school (so r-e-b-e-l, i knowww) and went to santa barbara today with christina, grace, and sherry! i love my older former-OIC seeesterssss. we went to a cute danish village and then visited ucsb! it's a nice campus right by the beach. i wouldn't say that its ucsd status yet though!

i was seriously convinced about going to ucsb. why? let me show you:

two words: BEACH. CRUISERS. these are truly the cutest bikes in the world. there were racks of them at ucsb: beautiful bold colors; teal green, sea green, sky blue, cherry red, pink, bright yellow...deliciousss!

i imagine myself in high waisted shorts, flowy shirt, sunglasses and flipflops; biking to the beach with wind in my hair.

...

and that's when i remember that i applied as a political science major.

but as of right now, the only reason i want to go to ucsb is because of the bikes.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i worked harder in high school.
i wish i applied to some different schools.
i wish i could present myself as a different applicant.
i wish i could not cry about college decisions.
if i could turn back time, i would do it in a heartbeat.
rejection hurts.
but it hurts more because i know it was my doing.

sometimes, i just can't wait to fall in love.

you will...catch spiders <3

oh, college college collegessss. how you have humbled me and broken me down. i guess i thought i was invincible. now nothing, i repeat nothing, is sure.
next year, this time i could be
-chilling on the beach at ucsd as a international studies major
-playing ultimate frisbee on the lawns of william and mary/uva/whatever east coast school (althought that chance is honestly diminshing with every day)
-at kansas city hangin' out with God on the Onething internship
-working in brooklyn, newyork as a metro minstries intern
oh gosh. lately, i have been going through these intense mood swings. one minute i feel that the world is within my grasp; that the next morning the sun will rise and happiness will come. college can wait. the world can wait. my personal dreams and desires cannot; and so what if it takes a little time before I see the gates of an institution of education once more?
and there are times when i feel chilled to the bone; i surf college websites for hours upon hours; i wince at the clanging of my empty mailbox. i feel like i don't have the strength to be different.
a few more weeks. then we'll see.

i'm going to take a watermelon, write every college that rejected me on it, and then drop it off a roof.
thanks david.
something to look forward to.
i just read someone's blog.
it surprised me and shocked me.
i love it when i discover that people have hidden depth that only comes out through typed/written words. or maybe its not hidden. maybe i just don't see it.
i feel bad for judging you! it's one of my faults.
sorry for not helping you when i could have. but i think now its too late.
i liked this person's blog because it was INTENSELY private content, but yet they made it public anyway. i mean, who cares what people see and read and think? that's real courage.
they wrote a lot about a relationship they had.
i'm really tired of writing little trite sentences. i write these for two reasons: i don't want to reveal all, and i somehow think brevity=deep; profound. not true. that's why east of eden was a billion pages long. and why there were 3 volumes of lord of the rings.
so basically, i'm going to write about how i feel about a relationship i just ended.
i'm not good at poetry, but i am good at ranting.

mad: i really am not kidding when i say this whole thing is stupid. it really is. you were one of my best friends. i'm mad that you took that away from me.

annoyed: your stubborness is annoying. i feel like you enjoy playing the martyr. and thanks for defriending me on facebook. was that really necessary?
now i know its reallllllllly over. (that was a healthy dose of sarcasm and spite)

sad: did i mention that you were one of my best friends? sometimes i find myself wanting to tell you about something that happened, something that i need advice on or is just really cool and i want to share and have you smile at me. and then i realize that you're not there anymore. i wish i knew where you were going to college.

bitter: at this point, i hope you never get over me. (i always was a bitter girl, you said so yourself)

humor: NONE. i don't see why you find this all so funny. its really not. ( i should file this under annoyed too.)

embarrassed: i know it was mostly my fault.

whatever. i've gone on with my life and so have you.
but just you wait.
we will talk before the end of the year.

FML. everyone has been saying that these days. it's not true, of course.
that doesn't mean i haven't been saying it like crazyyy these past few days.
i was going to post something uber deep and philosophical. like david asked me why my blogspot id name was thethousandth girl. i was just going to post up this nice little poem by kipling:

One man in a thousand,
Solomon says,
Will stick more close than a brother.
And it's worth while seeking him half your days
If you find him before the other.
Nine nundred and ninety-nine depend
On what the world sees in you,
But the Thousandth man will stand your friend
With the whole round world agin you.

Now that i think of it, I <3 my friends. Thanks TGS for being my thousandth girls. i hope i'm the thousandth girl for you guys too.

okay but back to my rant.
I AM SO TENSE. SERIOUSLY. FML
STUPID IRVINE. JUST GET BACK TO ME. I DON'T CARE IF I DON'T GET IN, JUST EFFING TELL ME, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS. I HATE ROLLING ADMISSIONS.

NYU, EFF YOU ALSO. WHY DO YOU SEND OUT STUPID LITTLE POSTCARDS THAT INVITE PEOPLE TO EVENTS FOR ADMITTED STUDENTS WHEN YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND THEM THE OFFICIAL LETTER OF ACCEPTANCE? AND THEN SAY THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO GET AN INVITE IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTED? WHAT THE HELL. I SWEAR YOU DO THIS TO SCREW WITH MY HEAD! AND WHY DON'T YOU TELLS HOW ADMISSIONS ARE SENT OUT? ROLLING? RANDOM? BY COLLEGE? MAJOR? EFF YOU!

UNC CHAPEL HILL, EFF YOU THE MOST! GOSH! I'M GOING TO AN EFFING DISGRACE IN FRONT OF MY COUSINS NOW! THANKS A LOT!

ALL MY OTHER COLLEGES: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? FOR JESUS TO COME?

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh