it's strange. i don't really miss anyone. when they ask me how new york is or, "i miss you! how is it?" i just go "great. it's all good in the hood."
and i guess that's how i feel.
(except for my parents of course; i miss them tons; as well as just the feeling of being at home)

i have no words to describe new york. so far, it has completely exceeded my expectations. God is so good; when you listen to His calling for you and obey Him. I love it. although our main work (teaching sunday school; public speaking: one of my worst fears i hope to improve on) hasn't started yet (we'll be working 5 days a week, morning to night; doing sunday school performances and then visitations), i'm having so much fun just having nail polish parties with my fellow interns and laughing and just enjoying new york.
they were SO thrilled when they found that i spoke mandarin chinese. on the way from the airport, they heard me speaking to grace and literally screamed with delight. apparently they're starting some new sunday school sites in chinatown and really are in need of a translator, as no one in the ministry is actually chinese. i prayed SO much about this; it was definitely a struggle to know that while other people might go to places like Harlem and the Bronx (my first choices), i had to go serve chinese kids. AGAIN.
but then i realized that it was my first test from God, testing me regarding my ability to submit to authority. i know that is a MAJOR, MAJOR problem for me. so i got down on my knees and just prayed for humility and ability to just take whatever they give me and run with it.
and the crazy thing is, God not ONLY gave me peace with it and even a sense of gratefulness that i can serve the ministry in such a unique way, He inflammed my heart with a passion for the upcoming generation of Chinese children; both in America and mainland China. i literally walked around on the verge of tears for hours because God put it so strongly on my heart. we'll have to see where that goes.
but overall, i have to say it. i know it's cliche, but: I LOVE NEW YORK

I am such a lazy blogger. Most of the time I don't even capitalize. I guess it's because I rant and verbally express my opinion in real life, so I simply run out of steam by the time I get in front of a computer. It's both a blessing and a curse.
I'm leaving tomorrow. I can't believe it. I have a storm of emotions going through me; the major one being fear. I don't know what's waiting for me in New York at all! When people ask me what I'm doing, I literally freeze up and say, "um, a children's...ministry...Christian thing." I realized it's because I don't even really know what's going down! But I'm praying that it's going to be good.
Time to back up all my big talk with some action!
New York, here I come!

ughh what am i supposed to do

what if i never get to where i want to be

this morning i woke up and just felt so damn lonely. i go out all the time; come home at 12 smiling and voice hoarse from shouting and talking and having fun. but when i think about how some of my friendships have fallen apart, i can't stand it.
a year ago this time, i was still in high school doing homework and having to wake up early; having to deal with teachers and assignments. but i had best friends, and because i had them i knew everything would be okay.
now, after 3 months of fun and sun, i don't feel that same security. i don't know if everything is going to be okay.
i just want my best friends back.
and the worst part is that i know is was mostly my fault things went bad.

frank sinatra's smile gets me every time. when i see the video for "too marvelous for words", i hope that i find a guy who smiles exactly like him. a genuine, confident, almost reckless smile.