ring of fire

i don't even know what to say.
but first of all, i want to say thank you.
i want you to know that.
thank you for teaching me more than any of my teachers at school have ever deigned to
thank you for being there for me, even when i wasn't there for you
thank you for making me laugh
thank you for even trying to understand who i am
and these all are reasons why i can't let go.
i can't be as subtle as you; word it as beautifully and tragically as you.
it truly hurts me that you would just rip me out of your life.
i understand your reasons behind it, but it doesn't give me an ounce of comfort.
how could this even happen?
i'm stunned.
but even now, (and i almost despise you for it) i'm learning:
to not force things. it either happens, or it doesn't.
be sure.
and the most important lesson: that you don't always get what you want; things don't always end the way you wish them to. i'm not talking about fairy-tale fantasies and dreams of castles; the reality of that hit me when i was about ten.
i'm talking about sleeping in the bed that you make. you can't have your cake and eat it too. underneath these sayings, the point is this: sometimes you just have to hurt. hurt so badly you can't breathe, even more so because you know that you could have prevented it; somehow.
this lesson is killing me.